The Heart of the Matter

My ❤ results came back this week and things look a-okay (not the doc’s exact words, but that’s basically what I heard)!! I’ve got one more test next week, but the cardiologist isn’t expecting to find anything, so it looks like my dizziness and blackout episodes are solely a result of having extremely low blood pressure! He has mentioned medications to help my body regulate itself better, but as long as I can kind of manage it on my own (coffee seems to help- crazy, I know, but I’m going with it!), I don’t plan on taking anything.

So that’s what I know as of today, and unless something crazy comes out in the echo next week, I am SO looking forward to putting this nagging fear behind me! Thank you for checking in on me and praying with me these last few weeks- love y’all!

 

Hugs and Love,

A

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Happy Friday!

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What a great reminder today! Wishing y’all a fabulous weekend- make it count 🙂

Hugs and Love,

A

The Tough Stuff Hurts!

“So why have you never auditioned before?”

I got asked this question almost a year ago during what would turn out to be our final interview during Biggest Loser finals week. It came early in what turned out to be an emotionally exhausting, 35 minute verbal beat-down by one of the casting producers.

Now, I wasn’t totally prepared for this question. I figured maybe they’d ask about past diets or times I’d tried to lose weight, but not why I had never tried out for the show. I stumbled through my answer because, honestly, I didn’t have one. I’d watched the show off and on for years, and had thought about how great the opportunity would be; but it just never crossed my mind to actually try to be one of the ‘chosen few’! If only I could have said that in the interview, but nope… words failed that day (shocking, I know!).

Flash forward to this past Sunday. I was sitting in my bedroom, in the dark, listening to music and crying my eyes out when my sweet sweet roommate, God bless her, came in to check on me. She had so patiently been dealing with my being on the verge of a mini-meltdown for the last couple of days, and our conversation that followed finally allowed me to understand the answer to that horrid question from so many months ago.

Now y’all, real quick I’d like to mention that while I do cry during movies, good books, and the random sappy commercial (the one where the guy sees the girl on the subway and their whole life together flashes in his mind, ending with their son becoming president- oh, it gets me every time), I don’t just fall apart easily when it comes to real-life problems. Something major was going on, and though I knew what had triggered it, I had no explanation for why I had fallen into the depths of such a dark place because of it.

So she started asking me questions:

Q- Why was this affecting me more than my grandpa passing away a few weeks ago?
A- Because I know my Pop is SO much better off where he is now, and that I will see him again!

Q- Was I really this upset over what had happened last week or was this grief and emotions that were finally coming out after being held in for so long?
A- I have no idea, maybe…

Q- How was this situation making me feel about myself?
A- Like I’m not good enough. Unworthy. Undeserving.

DING DING DING, we have a winner!

It hit me full force in that moment- I don’t feel good enough… not for anyone or anything, and I never really have.

My parents have never made me feel this way- they are so loving and supportive, and they are proud of me- I know this in my head. And save for the random fat comments and a note I got in the 7th grade from “the Smiths” saying they hated my Georgia accent (I kid you not!), I was never really bullied, so it didn’t come from other people. This feeling comes from no one but me and Satan.

My brain knows the truth, but my heart feels differently (I swear, they don’t even read the same book half the time, so forget trying to get them on the same page). I simply feel undeserving of the people and things in my life. I worry that I’m not successful enough for my family to truly be proud of me… that I’m not a good sister… that I’m a crappy friend… that I don’t deserve happiness and love… that I will never reach my goals or achieve my dreams because I’m just. not. worthy.

I’ve worked through a lot emotions and issues during my weight loss journey. I’ve cried and yelled and come to grips with a lot of hard things that happened TO me throughout my life. But I still haven’t dealt with what I’ve done to myself. I’ve told myself that I am a failure so many times that I’ve internalized it. I feel it with every ounce of my being. I believe it’s why I still get so off track in my health and fitness goals. It’s why I put so much importance on what other people think of me, and it’s why I am so affected by how they treat me. Obviously, this is something I am going to have to deal with and confront if I want to keep moving forward in life. But if I’m being totally candid, I’m pretty sure it’s something I’ll be dealing with for a long time, and that scares me…

So to answer the producer’s question- I never tried out for BL before last summer because I didn’t think anyone would ever think to give ME a shot at something so life changing.

But I was wrong! Kerry and Holland believed in me. They saw something special in me, they fought for it, and they ended up changing my life. I will be forever grateful to them for that! If two people who meet thousands of people in a single day can see something special in me, then why in the world can I not see it too?

So I’m ready to confront this head-on. When I’m running and that voice in the back of my head starts to tell me I’ll never be able to run 3 miles, much less 6 or 13.1, I’ll tell it to shove it and push myself harder. When someone is disrespectful, I’ll stand up for myself because I DESERVE better! When I meet someone new and start to feel inferior, I’ll remind myself that who I am is good enough–if that person doesn’t think so, it’s their issue and not mine (this one will take some time, I know, but I’ll get there!). And when I start to doubt my own worth, I’ll remind myself that there are people out there who believe in me, and if they can, I can too!

So if you happen to see me accepting or settling for less than I deserve, whether it be from myself or from others, feel free to be the voice that reminds me that I AM worthy. We all are. Sometimes it just takes someone who cares about us asking the right (and tough) questions to finally be able to see it 🙂

Hugs and love,

A

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