The Tough Stuff Hurts!

“So why have you never auditioned before?”

I got asked this question almost a year ago during what would turn out to be our final interview during Biggest Loser finals week. It came early in what turned out to be an emotionally exhausting, 35 minute verbal beat-down by one of the casting producers.

Now, I wasn’t totally prepared for this question. I figured maybe they’d ask about past diets or times I’d tried to lose weight, but not why I had never tried out for the show. I stumbled through my answer because, honestly, I didn’t have one. I’d watched the show off and on for years, and had thought about how great the opportunity would be; but it just never crossed my mind to actually try to be one of the ‘chosen few’! If only I could have said that in the interview, but nope… words failed that day (shocking, I know!).

Flash forward to this past Sunday. I was sitting in my bedroom, in the dark, listening to music and crying my eyes out when my sweet sweet roommate, God bless her, came in to check on me. She had so patiently been dealing with my being on the verge of a mini-meltdown for the last couple of days, and our conversation that followed finally allowed me to understand the answer to that horrid question from so many months ago.

Now y’all, real quick I’d like to mention that while I do cry during movies, good books, and the random sappy commercial (the one where the guy sees the girl on the subway and their whole life together flashes in his mind, ending with their son becoming president- oh, it gets me every time), I don’t just fall apart easily when it comes to real-life problems. Something major was going on, and though I knew what had triggered it, I had no explanation for why I had fallen into the depths of such a dark place because of it.

So she started asking me questions:

Q- Why was this affecting me more than my grandpa passing away a few weeks ago?
A- Because I know my Pop is SO much better off where he is now, and that I will see him again!

Q- Was I really this upset over what had happened last week or was this grief and emotions that were finally coming out after being held in for so long?
A- I have no idea, maybe…

Q- How was this situation making me feel about myself?
A- Like I’m not good enough. Unworthy. Undeserving.

DING DING DING, we have a winner!

It hit me full force in that moment- I don’t feel good enough… not for anyone or anything, and I never really have.

My parents have never made me feel this way- they are so loving and supportive, and they are proud of me- I know this in my head. And save for the random fat comments and a note I got in the 7th grade from “the Smiths” saying they hated my Georgia accent (I kid you not!), I was never really bullied, so it didn’t come from other people. This feeling comes from no one but me and Satan.

My brain knows the truth, but my heart feels differently (I swear, they don’t even read the same book half the time, so forget trying to get them on the same page). I simply feel undeserving of the people and things in my life. I worry that I’m not successful enough for my family to truly be proud of me… that I’m not a good sister… that I’m a crappy friend… that I don’t deserve happiness and love… that I will never reach my goals or achieve my dreams because I’m just. not. worthy.

I’ve worked through a lot emotions and issues during my weight loss journey. I’ve cried and yelled and come to grips with a lot of hard things that happened TO me throughout my life. But I still haven’t dealt with what I’ve done to myself. I’ve told myself that I am a failure so many times that I’ve internalized it. I feel it with every ounce of my being. I believe it’s why I still get so off track in my health and fitness goals. It’s why I put so much importance on what other people think of me, and it’s why I am so affected by how they treat me. Obviously, this is something I am going to have to deal with and confront if I want to keep moving forward in life. But if I’m being totally candid, I’m pretty sure it’s something I’ll be dealing with for a long time, and that scares me…

So to answer the producer’s question- I never tried out for BL before last summer because I didn’t think anyone would ever think to give ME a shot at something so life changing.

But I was wrong! Kerry and Holland believed in me. They saw something special in me, they fought for it, and they ended up changing my life. I will be forever grateful to them for that! If two people who meet thousands of people in a single day can see something special in me, then why in the world can I not see it too?

So I’m ready to confront this head-on. When I’m running and that voice in the back of my head starts to tell me I’ll never be able to run 3 miles, much less 6 or 13.1, I’ll tell it to shove it and push myself harder. When someone is disrespectful, I’ll stand up for myself because I DESERVE better! When I meet someone new and start to feel inferior, I’ll remind myself that who I am is good enough–if that person doesn’t think so, it’s their issue and not mine (this one will take some time, I know, but I’ll get there!). And when I start to doubt my own worth, I’ll remind myself that there are people out there who believe in me, and if they can, I can too!

So if you happen to see me accepting or settling for less than I deserve, whether it be from myself or from others, feel free to be the voice that reminds me that I AM worthy. We all are. Sometimes it just takes someone who cares about us asking the right (and tough) questions to finally be able to see it πŸ™‚

Hugs and love,

A

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kerry Shanahan
    Aug 14, 2012 @ 18:42:44

    You are a beautiful woman and you are darn right…you ARE worthy of amazing things! I’m here lady. I believed it then and I still believe it now. I’m so happy of how far you have come and I can definitely see how much further you ARE going to go. Hugs and kisses dear friend!

    Reply

  2. Holland
    Aug 14, 2012 @ 21:02:30

    Ditto what Kerry said! You are an amazing person and have so much to be proud of…there were a lot of people that went to that casting call and made it to the interview and then failed to start their weight loss journey, there were many people that made it to that same finals week interview and rocked the answer to that question but didn’t make the show and went home and back to their old habits, there are many people that let other people’s comments to them and actions towards them determine their path in life…but not you…You, my friend, decided back then that YOU ARE WORTHY AND YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY and you started to make necessary changes! I hope you can realize that you were right – you ARE worthy and deserve everything that your heart desires. If someone doesn’t see what I see or what Kerry sees or what any of your other supporters see then you don’t need them. There are other fish in the sea, there are other people that would love to have the honor of being your friend and there will be a new day tomorrow (hopefully) to start over and say today I choose to make a difference and I choose to be proud of myself! We believe in you and we love you! You will never know how many lives YOU have changed through your posts, blog, tweets, etc…it’s the unsung heroes like you that make this world a better place. love love love – Holland

    Reply

  3. T
    Aug 22, 2012 @ 17:01:15

    Hi, I just wanted to let you know that this post really spoke to me. I have gone through the EXACT same experience and truly relate to the feeling of unworthiness. I have been trying and trying to push through it. I too wonder where this voice inside comes from telling me I am a failure. I hope to someday conquer it as you have. –T

    Reply

    • healthya83
      Aug 24, 2012 @ 13:43:13

      I don’t have it conquered yet, but I am hoping that by making myself aware of it and how wrong the voice is, I’ll get there someday! I’ll pray that you do too- thanks for reading πŸ™‚
      A

      Reply

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